After you lose your baby, you don’t know how the world is supposed to move on. I didn’t even know how I was supposed to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone think about preparing for another embryo transfer. But slowly (very slowly) the days started to pass. Some days the thought of losing our baby was debilitating and some days I could get through with only one crying session. And then, at some point, we were ready to try again. Our first baby, that we nicknamed Baby Hippo, was always in our thoughts but we knew that we needed to start trying again. Maybe we thought that starting the transfer process would be a way to try and close the door on our grieving (but to be honest, I think that door will always be ajar and never fully closed). Trying to conceive after a miscarriage brings a different outlook and emotions on the process.
FEAR
I hate to say this, but I am scared to death of being pregnant again. After years of trying and putting ourselves through fertility treatments, I was having a hard time balancing our dream of having a family with my absolute fear to be pregnant again. How am I supposed to go into each blood pregnancy test and each ultrasound and not feel like I am about to get the worst news? How am I supposed to stay calm in between the appointments not knowing if the baby is okay? How am I supposed to be excited and daydream about our future with this little one if all I can think about is the fear of losing them again?
I am so scared to fail again, but it’s not just me that I will be failing but my husband too. I don’t want to have to watch him try and stay strong for me when I know he is just as broken on the inside. He pushes us through the darkest times and all I want out of this life is to make him a daddy.
GUILT
We will never know why we lost our first baby, but I think it's normal for any mother to blame themselves. Was it that one extra cup of coffee I had? Did I lift something too heavy in the beginning? I know everyone says you cannot blame yourselves, but the truth is all miscarriage survivors do and will. How am I supposed to care for a new pregnancy if I still feel the guilt for losing our first?
During our first transfer, I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy. There was so much hope and optimism in that in that room and it truly was a magical thing to witness. During our second transfer, while I did feel the hope, I also felt guarded. It almost felt like just another appointment at the fertility clinic. I’m sure that's my heart trying to protect itself but how am I not supposed to feel guilty that I felt this way? This was the day my little embaby was being put back inside of me where it belongs. Even the days after the transfer, I found myself guarding my emotions and not allowing myself to fully dive into feeling PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I found myself thinking of our first baby more.
SADNESS
I think a lot about how I will never get to announce our pregnancy to our families again with the same excitement and anticipation as the first time. The next time we (hopefully) get to announce our pregnancy to our families I know in the back of everyone’s mind will be the thought of whether we will lose that baby too. I feel like the next announcement will be more of a step in the process than a joyous occasion. I know our families will be excited when we announce our next pregnancy (if we are fortunate enough to have one) but I am sure they will be a little guarded too.
I think about when I am pregnant and showing and someone asks me if this is my first child. I want to think I will be brave enough to tell the person that this is my second pregnancy and my first baby is an angel. But I know that there will always be a little cloud of sadness following any future pregnancy.
Milestone dates for our first baby are going to tear me apart. I think a lot about what it’s going to feel like when that first Mother’s Day comes, their due date, the anniversary of when we became pregnant, and the anniversary of the day we lost Baby Hippo. I don’t think those days will ever be the same for me the rest of my life. Maybe one day the sadness that comes from them will start to diminish and it will become a day of remembrance, and I really hope it does.
OPTIMISM
Even through all the fear, guilt and sadness there is still the shining light of optimism helping to keep us going. I remember how much I loved our first baby and all the daydreams of our life together. I want to feel that again. I want to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night knowing that we have a sweet baby growing inside of me. Every day I am finding that I have to make the choice towards the optimism and not dwell in the past. It’s easier said than done, but we owe it to ourselves and to our future babies to do so. While we await the results of our second transfer, I have to keep looking for the light and stay positive. I keep telling myself that Baby Hippo would want us to move forward and have its baby brother/sister. And so that is what we will do. It won’t be easy, but we have each other and a sweet angel looking out for us.
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