It’s been such a long journey. We started trying to conceive January 2017 and now over 3 years later we are still trying to bring a sweet baby home. We have had unexplained diagnoses, failed IUIs and transfers, a miscarriage, multiple procedures and surgeries. It’s hard to believe that we are here again...halfway through the two week wait (the time in between ovulation or fertility treatment and when a pregnancy test would be able to detect the pregnancy hormone if present). We have been in the two week wait many times before…
17 times when naturally trying to conceive and just starting our fertility testing.
3 times after medicated IUIs.
3 times after frozen embryo transfers.
And the many months in between all of those when we weren’t “trying”, but still had that small glimmer of hope that maybe we would get a very welcome surprise (spoiler alert: we never did).
Everyone keeps asking how we are feeling and I’ve decided our tagline for this transfer and the wait to find out if it was successful is “coasting in neutral”. While we are cautiously optimistic that this is our time (because we think we have paid enough dues by now on this journey thank you very much!), we also know where this two week wait can end. Typically the what-ifs and heightened emotions that come with waiting for the result of your IVF embryo transfer bring debilitating anxiety. In past transfers, the two week waits for me felt like they lasted for eternity. I would symptom-check to the extreme (which is one of the worst things you can do during a two week wait since implantation and early pregnancy symptoms are the same symptoms that the drugs we are on give off). I would count down the days until the beta test (the blood test the fertility clinic does to detect the pregnancy hormone HCG). I would get overly excited daydreaming about this pregnancy, the corresponding due date (and those of when milestones like the gender reveal and baby shower would be). I wasn’t able to sleep or concentrate and all I could think of is each transfer’s what-ifs.
This time it’s different. I don’t know if it comes from experience, “confidence” (although I would argue with my therapist confidence can be a disguise for very strong denial), or just a deeper level of acceptance, but we are truly coasting in neutral this time. At this point, there is nothing more we can do. The embabies have either implanted or they haven’t. My body is ready to accept the pregnancy or it isn’t. Now...don’t get me wrong...all of the what-ifs are still there. But this time I have chosen not to let anxiety run me over during this two week wait or even the day of transfer.
So this two week wait I made plans. I’ve kept myself busy doing things that make me happy (like walking on the beach and spending quality time with the family and friends who have truly supported us on our journey). I make sure I have one thing on my calendar every day (whether it’s an appointment, plans with a friend, etc.). Just having something to distract me every day has really helped keep my mind at ease. If I start to feel the wave of anxiety hit (and let's be honest, I would be worried if I had zero anxiety), I listen to a fertility meditation to help recenter me. I also saved lots of stand up comedy specials on Netflix and enjoyed going through the vault on Disney+. Thank goodness for streaming services!
Now there is no guarantee the rest of the two week wait, especially the days right before our first beta test, will be as coasting in neutral as the first half as been, but I am going to enjoy and be thankful for the lack of anxiety I'm currently feeling. No one knows how this journey is going to end, but I've learned I have no control over it. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but this time, I am good coasting in neutral with a side of cautious optimism.
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