Pregnancy is hard.
Pregnancy after loss is even harder.
Pregnancy after loss in a global pandemic is just the worst.
Now before anyone starts to roll their eyes and say that I should be grateful...I am. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant with our rainbow baby after so many years being on this infertility journey. But no matter how grateful I may be, that doesn't mean this has been the easiest journey to be on (for multiple reasons actually). So read on for a real look into what pregnancy after loss in a global pandemic is like, but know that yes I am extremely grateful.
All that I am about to write has really been weighing on my heart since the very first positive beta test confirming we were indeed pregnant after our 4th frozen embryo transfer. It all came to an abrupt “slap in the face” this week. The overwhelming joy of hearing our first positive beta test was positive only lasted till the end of that day. And then the wave of grief and anxiety hit full steam. When you have had pregnancy loss as a part of your journey, the joy of a new pregnancy is diminished. All you can think about are the “What Ifs”:
What if my body can’t support this pregnancy?
What if I lose this baby?
What if I can't recover from another pregnancy loss?
Today I am 20 weeks...halfway through this pregnancy and not a day goes by that I don't feel the overwhelming grief of losing our first baby, the (sometimes debilitating) fear that something will happen to this pregnancy or the guilt that I am not as “overjoyed” as you would expect one to be this far along in pregnancy. As the days go on (and more therapy sessions are had), I am able to recognize these feelings, honor them and try to move past them. My husband and I are truly excited and accepting this baby into our future plans. We know the sex and we are starting to work on the nursery. But it has taken a lot to even get to that point…
Early Pregnancy Scare
I'm going to say it….early pregnancy is the worst for so many reasons. Pregnancy symptoms start to hit you hard and fast and anxiety is at an all time high (especially for those who have had pregnancy loss). My early pregnancy journey was no different. After having 2 positive beta tests, we had our first ultrasound to check on the baby (at that point we went into the appointment not knowing if one or both of our embryos had stuck around but more on that another time). Ultrasound was perfect...the baby had a good looking heartbeat and was positioned well. But that is how the first ultrasound for our first pregnancy went too and then at the second ultrasound we were told the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I had no idea how I was going to survive the wait between the 2 ultrasounds knowing what happened to us last time during that time. One thing I think many pregnant women do (especially those who have battled through an infertility journey and especially those who have experienced pregnancy loss) is check for blood anytime they use the restroom. I still do it to this day...every single time. They tell you in pregnancy that bleeding can be normal. I was also on 2 types of blood thinners as part of my protocol this time and was told bleeding with those can be normal too. News flash: telling a pregnant woman bleeding is normal is just asking for death stares and a hormonal outburst! So 3 days after that first perfect ultrasound, when I went to the restroom and saw blood I immediately went to a dark place. I yelled for my husband...I was crying and shaking uncontrollably as my husband called the clinic’s on-call nurse...I begged this baby to be okay even though in my mind I was sure it wasn’t. Because it happened at night, there was nothing we could do except try and get some sleep (yeah right!) and hope the clinic can bring me in the next day for a viability scan. After lots of pestering, they squeezed me in. To my disbelief and through the intense stream of tears, the nurse that had once told me my first pregnancy was ending in a loss told me that this baby was just fine. There was no indication where the bleeding came from and they just took me off one of the blood thinners to be safe. That was it...bleed, freak out, freak out even more, then be told you were fine and move on with your pregnancy. My anxiety never wavered and I knew we just had to get through that second ultrasound, get past the loss anniversary and maybe we can start to relax (even if just a little).
Coronavirus
BAM! In comes coronavirus - a global pandemic causing a full-blown lockdown including the closing down of our fertility clinic. So the night before our second ultrasound, our doctor called to inform us the clinic was temporarily closing with the pandemic restrictions put in place by our governor and we would be graduating (a.k.a. Leaving the clinic and moving on to our OBGYN) now instead of in a couple weeks. I...was...pissed. As much as I understood the need for the clinic to protect their staff and patients, I needed that second ultrasound. I needed that reassurance that even after the bleeding scare the baby was okay. I needed to know that we passed the loss anniversary from our first. But instead, I was put on house arrest (pregnant women were considered high risk and since the meds I was on at the time were part of an auto-immune protocol we decided I would be extra careful with the virus), the world around me shut down, and I had to wait a couple weeks for my first OBGYN appointment.
By the time we got to that first OBGYN appointment, I was a mess. My husband was sitting out in the car because coronavirus restrictions would not allow him to come with me to appointments. By the time the nurse came into my room to take my vitals I was bawling. She was so sweet saying she understood how scary it must be to be pregnant in the midst of a global pandemic. Through the tears I told her...I could care less about the global pandemic right now. I just need to know if my baby is okay. And as you can guess by me being at 20 weeks, the baby was fine (so far all blood tests and scans have come back with perfect results) and so really began our pregnancy journey during a global pandemic.
Because my husband is not allowed to come to any appointments, all he gets of the baby is the ultrasound pictures and whatever videos the doctors let me take. Can you imagine how hard this is for him? We both have the same anxiety of another pregnancy loss and all he can do is sit in the car outside the doctors office. Sometimes we can phone him in so he can at least listen. Other times he just has to wait until I'm done to get the news. But he can't hold my hand. He can't see our baby moving on the screen and changing week by week. Coronavirus has robbed him and after everything he has had to endure on this infertility and pregnancy loss journey, I find it really unfair. Luckily we have found a private ultrasound place he can come with me too so he has seen the baby twice since that very first ultrasound at the clinic. Now I know there are circumstances where husbands/partners may never see the baby during the pregnancy, and even seeing it twice sounds amazing. But after all the heartbreak, stress, financial burden, and life-changing events that happened on our journey, seeing our baby twice this whole time hurts both of us.
Anxiety During Appointments
One part of pregnancy loss that I don’t think will ever go away until that baby is in our arms is the anxiety that comes with each appointment.
Will my baby have a heartbeat?
What if they find something wrong with the baby?
How will I handle getting bad news by myself and without my husband?
How will I get through this if something is wrong?
For the most part, I have been able to manage my anxiety before appointments pretty well. Yes I'm scared and yes there are tears and yes I am holding my breath until I see a heartbeat on the screen or hear it on the doppler. Usually after the appointment has gone well, the anxiety disappears. A huge relief washes over you and excitement starts to creep back in.
For me, this was all true except for my anatomy scan this week. For those who aren’t familiar with this scan, it is a lengthy appointment where they measure and look at all parts of the baby’s anatomy. If something was wrong, they were probably going to find it here. For us, it had been about 3 weeks since our last appointment (no scan, just hearing the heartbeat on the doppler) so we were both feeling anxious but maybe even cautiously optimistic leading up to it...until the night before hit. I don't know what came over me but as I was in the shower the night before the anatomy scan, I started crying uncontrollably. I have really started to bond with this baby, bought it clothes, started building our registry and planning out the nursery. Knowing that everything could come crashing down at the appointment sent me into the most debilitating anxiety I have ever had. I couldn’t sleep that night. I just laid there. I could not control my nerves and truly felt lifeless. When my husband dropped me off (damn you again coronavirus), I broke down in tears. I needed him at this appointment more than any of the others and here I was walking away from him. I got checked in and sat down on the couch (with the empty spot of where my husband should be next to me). I was trying so hard to keep it together in the waiting room. The nurse called me back and asked me questions on the way to the room that I could barely squeak out an answer to. As soon as I sat down on the bed, I couldn't contain my fears anymore and started crying. You could tell the nurse was not expecting that at all and asked what had happened. I told her I was just so scared and that's all I could say. Luckily she found the heartbeat for me right away and was very communicative of what she was doing throughout the appointment and that everything was looking great.
So if this had been like any other appointment, the excitement and pure relief of our baby being okay would wash away that anxiety once the appointment was over. But for some reason, it didn't this time. I cried uncontrollably to my husband in the car after he picked me up. They weren't happy tears...the tears were because I was still feeling that debilitating fear and anxiety. And it lasted all day. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn't concentrate on anything. It literally took until I woke up the next day after my appointment to be able to catch my breath. Luckily I had a therapy session scheduled that morning so I was able to work through some of what happened. What my therapist said really resonated with me.
Infertility is exhausting.
Pregnancy loss is exhausting.
Pregnancy is exhausting.
Pregnancy after loss is exhausting.
Living in a global pandemic is exhausting.
Anxiety is exhausting.
She told me that the debilitating fear and anxiety I felt was probably the accumulation of everything we have been feeling this entire pregnancy and my body and mind just broke. But even though I was in this state for 24 hours, I was out of it now. And I guess that's been the theme of this entire pregnancy after loss in a global pandemic journey so far. I am feeling lots of feelings, I am recognizing them and honoring them for what they are, and then I am working to move past them. It hasn’t been easy and I am sure it won’t get any easier. It sucks having to have a different pregnancy experience than most because of what we have been through and the timing of it. But it’s our journey and we are taking it one day at a time.
**This is not meant to be medical advice. Be sure to consult your doctor with any medical concerns. This is the account of my personal journey through infertility**
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