Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week and it was so inspiring to see so many infertility warriors sharing their hearts (many of whom were doing so for the first time!). One of those warriors, Brittany Martinez (@journey.2.baby on Instagram), started a challenge called #HandsUpForInfertility where she asked infertility warriors to complete the sentence “Infertility Is…”. Hundreds of warriors participated and social media feeds were full of people sharing what infertility is to them.
Brittany gathered many of these posts and created an inspiring and beautiful video. Check it out: https://youtu.be/kOliiNZ3IUo
I used the #HandsUpForInfertility challenge as a way for me to use each day of NIAW to share a different emotion or experience infertility has brought to my life. I not only shared these posts on my infertility page but also on my personal Facebook and Instagram accounts. Here is what I shared.
Infertility is...DISAPPOINTMENT
Today, on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week, I have to share that our second embryo transfer has failed. Our blood test on Friday did not detect the pregnancy hormone (HCG) which means we are back to square one. Everyone is shocked by this result as everything looked perfect. To say we are disappointed is an understatement
I feel like my body is disappointing me at every turn. As a woman, I should be able to get pregnant and have children. It is what I was put on this Earth to do and I cannot do it even with medical assistance. Even though he says I'm not, I cant help but feel like I am disappointing my husband. When he married me, there was probably not a single doubt in his mind that when the time came to start our family we would have no problems. I want to give him children so bad as I know what an amazing father he will be. I think all infertility warriors struggle with the thought of their partner being disappointed.
Infertility is...EXPENSIVE
This morning I decided I needed to treat myself. So I went to one of our craft coffee shops and ordered the largest and most decadent drink I could. With how much we have spent on fertility treatments (and that doesn’t include the thousands of dollars in medicine), I could have ordered this drink well over 4,000 times in the last year. Most infertility warriors receive no coverage from our health insurance so we have to pay out of pocket for almost all of our fertility treatments and medicine. (You don't want to get me started on how boob jobs are possibly covered by insurance but my need for fertility treatments is not!) I also choose to do fertility acupuncture weekly for its benefits and that is out of pocket too. Recently, New York became only the 10th state that will require IVF insurance and the 6th state to require medically necessary fertility preservation coverage. We need all states to do the same! Our entire life is being controlled by infertility financial decisions. Any home projects we want to do (for example, putting artificial turf in our backyard bocce court) becomes a comparison of what fertility treatment we would have to substitute. Vacations seem to be completely off the books for now. But it's also the day-to-day choices that cost money. We want to eat organic, take the best supplements, and all of that costs a lot too.
Infertility is...TRUST & HOPE
Today we had our failed transfer appointment (a.k.a the WTF appointment). We now have to make the decision to move forward with another transfer or spend the next month doing more diagnostic tests. We have to trust that our RE (reproductive endocrinology) is doing everything they can to help us build our family. We have to trust that we will make the right decision for us on how to move forward. I have to have hope and listen to the daily affirmations I tell myself. We are moving forward with the best plan for us and as a team we are going to have a family one way or another. And at that point, all of this heartache will have been worth it. I have to trust that my body will know what to do to have a viable pregnancy. Between all the stress, emotional breakdowns, and heartache what keeps us going every day is the hope that the best is yet to come for us.
Infertility is...LONELY
Have you ever been in a crowded room, full of people you know and love, but feel alone? This is how I’ve felt since starting our infertility journey. I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends, and yet I feel isolated and lonely a lot. Friends have gone MIA. Social outings become overwhelming. You seemed surrounded by others getting pregnant so easily and while you are happy for them, it seems to push them away from you. Those closest to you seem to struggle with the right thing to do or say so it seems the easiest way for them is to slowly back away. Unfortunately for a lot of infertility warriors, we lose a lot of support or stop searching for it where we used to. So instead of being asked to join friends for coffee dates or manicures, we get the occasional text message or “Like” on a social media post. It’s impossible not to feel alone when you are going through a life crisis and your normal support system has changed. Infertility gets in your head and you spend a lot of time with your thoughts. It’s a lonely place to be, laying in bed in the middle of the day because whatever medication you are on is giving you the worse side effects, and all you have is your thoughts to keep you company. And trust me, they aren’t the best company!
Infertility is...COMMUNITY
Yesterday I focused my #handsupforinfertility post on how lonely it can be going through infertility. Today I want to highlight the amazing community I have! I am now part of the strongest sisterhood imaginable! Between the Facebook groups, in-person support groups put on by Resolve and the friendships you create when you instantly meet another infertility warrior, they all have become huge foundations of support for me. It’s amazing the support warriors give each other. We are able to understand and support each other in ways that your best friend from kindergarten couldn’t! I don’t know what I would do without my other infertility warriors! While I don’t wish infertility on my worst enemy, I am thankful that this journey has brought me some incredible lifelong friends! The sisterhood that I am now a part of will forever change my life! The family and friends who have stood beside me, especially when I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest to stand beside, have shown me what real love and support is. I’ve even had acquaintances become dear friends through their support during my journey. I value these people in my life who have supported me so much more now!
Infertility is...WAITING
Waiting for help - You have to try and conceive on your own for a year before a doctor will speak with you about testing and your options.
Waiting for your body to respond - Whether it’s waiting for your period to start so you can begin medicine, waiting to see how your body is responding to the shots, or waiting to see if your lining will thicken enough in time for your embryo transfer, infertility warriors are constantly in a state of waiting to get answers from their bodies.
Waiting for answers - After each diagnostic test you wait to hear if there is something wrong. After an IUI or embryo transfer, you enter into the dreaded two-week wait to see if you are pregnant or not. Each week you have a blood test and vaginal ultrasound to see if you can find answers as to how your body is doing during this cycle.
Waiting for a miracle - We have been trying for our miracle for 846 days. Day after day, month after month, year after year we are still waiting.
Infertility is....STRENGTH
Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week - and what an inspiring week it has been! Seeing all of the posts from infertility warriors on what infertility is to them has been eye-opening. For my last #handsupforinfertility post I want to highlight the strength we have all found in going through this process
For me, I never knew how strong I could be until I didn’t have a choice. I have endured:
* 95 shots in my stomach and backside
* 33 vaginal ultrasounds
* 35 blood draws
* 2 IVs
* 9 procedures
* 2 surgeries
* 1 miscarriage
And those numbers are going to keep increasing as we continue down the path of building our family. Infertility is hard and it sucks, there is not a nicer way to put it. But we are willing to do everything we possibly can to become parents! And if that isn’t true strength then I don’t know what is!
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