The other day I was with someone and venting to them about how my progression towards our second frozen embryo transfer wasn’t going as planned. Before an embryo transfer, you need to build your uterine lining to help promote a successful transfer and implantation of the embryo(s). Unfortunately, after starting the multiple pills of estrogen a day to assist in this, my period unexpectedly started (which, if you know anything about what a period actually does, is counterproductive to what I was trying to do). So now I am in a scramble to do, eat and drink anything and everything that will get my lining back on track so we can move forward with our second transfer.
So after I explained what I was doing to help thicken my lining (eating brazil nuts, eggs and avocado; drinking bone broth, pomegranate juice, red raspberry leaf tea, goji berry tea, green juice and lots of water), they turned to me and said “Gotta do what you gotta do so it isn’t another failure”.
I know in my heart, there was nothing more meant to this statement other than they want our second transfer to be successful and we finally get to have a baby. The problem is my first embryo transfer wasn’t a failure by any means. My first frozen embryo transfer (FET) was successful.
My body was able to accept the embryo we transferred and helped to keep it growing and developing for weeks.
I was pregnant for the first time in my life.
I was able to pee on a pregnancy test and see two lines or the word ‘Pregnant’ (because you best believe after we got positive beta blood test results telling us we were pregnant I went and bought both kinds of pregnancy tests just so I could have the experience of seeing positive results on them).
I had pregnancy symptoms and actually enjoyed them because it meant my body was doing what it needed to in order to support the new life that was growing inside of me.
We were able to surprise our parents for the first time ever with the news that we were finally expecting.
We were able to walk through the baby department at stores and daydream instead of holding back tears.
We were able to watch our baby’s heartbeat during the first ultrasound.
We were able to say good morning and good night to our sweet baby.
We became parents.
But yes, the truth of the matter is that we lost the baby after our first transfer. But the FET worked, it did not fail. My baby, as short of time as I got to have it growing inside of me, was not and will never be considered a failure. We will never know why we lost our baby but during the miscarriage process I made a promise to my child. I was going to spend the rest of my life helping others to understand what going through an infertility journey is like, what losing a baby is like, and what others can do to support those going through it.
A lot went in physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially to get to that first embryo transfer. I wish the word “failed” would be taboo when talking about anything related to infertility. It’s such a harsh word and makes the recipient feel blamed and ashamed.
So please don’t look at my first embryo transfer as a failure. It gave me my first baby, even if I will never get to meet him/her. Some get a baby out of it, some (like me) get an angel.
**Disclaimer: This post may mention or refer to family members/friends. If you are of them and reading this, please believe me when I say that I do not resent you in any way. I am going to talk about my feelings (without holding back) in relation to this experience to help educate others**
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