When we were heading into our first frozen embryo transfer (FET), I decided to write our sweet embaby letters. Besides loving the idea I would have letters during our journey to share with our kid(s) one day, I think the letters were a way for me to keep my optimism up. During the 2WW (two week wait between possible implantation and the first pregnancy blood test), your mind is going in a million different directions. I found that writing these letters helped to keep me going and gave me something to look forward to doing.
I wanted to share the letters I wrote to Baby Hippo before the miscarriage. At some point I will share the letter I wrote a month after we lost the baby, but for now, these are the ones my heart is willing to share.
November 7, 2018
To my first embaby (a.k.a. Baby Hippo),
Yesterday, November 6, 2018, you were placed inside of my uterus...and in my heart.
For the first time in my life, I felt a mothers love as I watched you become a part of me. You looked exactly like a shooting star, which makes sense since your dad and I have been wishing for you for a very long time. The beginning of 2018 was full of testing, fear but also hope. Your dad and I were ready to fight for you! After 3 failed IUIs we took the leap of faith and began our first round of IVF. I'm not going to lie, those were a hard couple of months but thinking about you and the chance to be your mom helped me get through it. Now I don't know what's going to happen between now and our first pregnancy blood test next Friday (Nov. 16), so for now I'm going to enjoy and absolutely love every minute I get to be your mom.
This journal (that I was writing handwriting the letters in) was given to me after my grandmother passed away. She kept a journal full of all the special moments in her life and the family thought it would be a sweet gesture for the grandchildren to do the same. I've had this journal for years but never seemed to have anything meaningful to write in it...until now.
My sweet embaby, my love for you is overwhelming. I hope we get a lifetime together but I will take and appreciate each day I get.
Make yourself at home embaby!
With all my love,
Mom
November 19, 2018 My Sweet Baby, It's happening...I'm pregnant...with you. It feels so surreal. Your dad and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years. 2 years of trying to hold onto any glimmer of hope, trying to push through all of the negative pregnancy tests and all of the emotions that come with unexplained infertility. But on Friday November 16, 2018 everything changed when we got the phone call that we were pregnant. I wish I had a video of your dad's reaction to the news. His eyes filled with tears and he sat there in shock for awhile. We both couldn't believe it - everything worked!
Growing up, I would have never though that we would have to go through fertility treatments in order to have a baby. But now, as you are growing inside of me, it's all been for a reason. All of the testing, shots, medicine and emotions led us to you. This journey has strengthened your dad and I's relationship and we are just so ready to be your mom and dad.
Tomorrow we go in for our second pregnancy blood test and as long as you are growing the way you should be, then we will schedule our first ultrasound. Wow! In a couple weeks I could be seeing you and listening to your heartbeat. It's going to be magical!
I love you Baby Hippo! Keep growing!
Love,
Mom
November 20, 2018
Baby Hippo,You did it! You are growing just like you are supposed to and our second pregnancy blood test came back with excellent numbers.
Since you dad was at work when I got the call from the doctor, I decided to keep the good news a secret from him until he got home from work. Of course he wasn't happy not knowing but when he got home and walked through the door he found the good news and a gift waiting. Since your dad and I were both athletes growing up, I started collecting sports items to create a 'Welcome to the Future Sports Parent Club". I think it all really started to sink in for your dad as he opened this gift. We are just so excited for you little one!
So now we have to wait 2 weeks until our first ultrasound where we will get to see you and your heartbeat for the first time. I can't even imagine what that moment is going to feel like!
Keep on growing baby Hippo...see you in 2 weeks!
Love,
Mom
November 29, 2018 To my little chocolate chip,
It's hard to believe you are 6 weeks old today! According to my pregnancy tracker app, you are the size of a chocolate chip or a blueberry. You've definitely made me extra tired this last week and given me a small sample of morning sickness and food aversion (say goodbye to carnitas!). I will take it all if it means you are healthy and growing!
This last week has been fun now that your grandparents know all about you! They have been very involved with every step of our fertility journey to you, but your dad I decided to keep your transfer a secret so that we could (hopefully!) surprise them when the good news came. Once we got the second beta test results, your dad and I decided to share the good news to your grandparents on Thanksgiving - what a perfect day to share the good news we were so thankful for! We had both of your grandparents open a Thanksgiving gift and at the bottom of the gift were a pair of baby shoes. Grandma & Grandpa B instantly figured out what it meant, but it took Grandma R a little bit of time. They were all so excited and cannot wait to meet you!
So for now I am still doing the daily progesterone injections and taking all sorts of medicine and vitamins to help you keep growing strong. I'm anxiously waiting for Tuesday when we get to have our first ultrasound. See you next week Baby Hippo!
Love,
Mom
December 4, 2018
I got to see you today Baby Hippo! I couldn't sleep last night I was so nervous, excited, scared, hopeful anxious...I was feeling all the emotions! But then at 7:45am I saw you for the first time and all I could feel was overwhelming love(okay and also relief!). At 6 weeks + 5days you are only 6.5mm so there wasn't much to see of you, but we did get to watch your heart beat. Hopefully at next weeks ultrasound we will get to hear your heartbeat - man that's going to be crazy!
After everything your dad and I have been through to get to our first pregnancy ultrasound today, I'm not sure it it's fully sunk in. We have waited for you for so long and even though we saw you today, I'm curious when the moment will be when it really hits your dad and I. The infertility journey and IVF is a crazy world but I am looking forward to sharing our journey with you when you are older.
So Baby Hippo, I will anxiously await next week's ultrasound when I get to see you again. July 25, 2019 cannot come soon enough!
I love you! Love,
Mom
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