Well I did it...I got through Mother’s Day weekend. My first Mother’s Day. I’m saying I “survived” because I did not have a total emotional breakdown and I was able to make it to my therapy appointment this morning (so that’s a win right?). But it wasn’t easy.
Let me start by reminiscing back to Mother’s Day last year. We had just learned our first IUI had failed and I was set to host Mother’s Day brunch for both of our moms and my sister (mother to my niece) at our house. My sister took me out to dinner a week before to talk to me about how I was feeling about the upcoming holiday. She wanted to make sure I was okay to host the event and wanted to protect me from any possible negative emotions that would come from it. I had told her I was fine to host, but didn’t want any conversation to be about the fertility treatments we were really just diving into at the time. My sister made sure to communicate that to both of our moms and I was able to get through giving them a wonderful brunch even though my heart was breaking inside. I really appreciated the effort she made to ask me how I was and what I needed. I don’t think I knew that I needed to think about those things until she asked me (because there is no guidebook for anyone going through infertility that tells you what you are going to feel and when). The only thing that got me through hosting that brunch (besides no one talking about our situation) was thinking that this was my last Mother’s Day not as a mom. We had started fertility treatments and they had to work soon I figured.
Well I was right. But instead of having Baby Hippo growing inside of me this Mother’s Day (h/she would have been about 7 months along), I was celebrating my first Mother’s Day as a mom to an angel. Ever since our miscarriage in December 2018, I have been dreading Mother’s Day and our due date in July. I knew those 2 dates would be excruciating and was scared of how to handle them. As Mother’s Day plans were starting to be made for this year, I told my husband I didn’t want to do any of them. I wanted to be at home with him and our fur babies grieving our child. How was I supposed to go out being surrounded by happy moms when all I wanted was a child of our own? But after multiple conversations with my husband and others, it seemed the “right” thing to do would be to focus on the moms in our lives. So instead, we made plans to do Mother’s Day celebrations both days this weekend (talk about a double whammy).
And before I move on, I feel like have to stop and make something very clear. I am extremely happy for all of those in my life who have the blessing to be a mother. There should be a day to celebrate you and all that you do for your family. I think what makes Mother’s Day so hard for those who are suffering from infertility, miscarriages/stillborns, etc. is that we seemed forgotten about this day. Franchesca Cox says it best, “A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” Just because we don’t have a baby in our arms on Mother’s Day doesn’t mean this day isn’t for us too.
Okay so back to our weekend of Mother’s Day celebrations. We did them. We showed up, we participated, then we went home to grieve the day. Were we our upbeat selves? No. Did we hide in the corner? No. We were present and helped to celebrate our moms and my sister. At the end of the day, that was all we were going to be able to do. Going into these celebrations, I had told my husband that I hope no one says anything to me about it being my first Mother’s Day. I thought being “ignored” would be the easier way to handle the day. I didn’t realize how much I needed the acknowledgment until I received a text from a sweet friend saying they were thinking of me today and wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. From that moment I realized that being ignored and forgotten about on this holiday was more heartbreaking than I could have thought.
So after multiple trips to the bathroom to cry for 2 minutes then wipe my face and rejoin the party, after multiple breakdowns with my husband about how much I was hurting this weekend, after complete insomnia and anxiety over the weekend - I woke up Monday morning. I had made it through my first Mother’s Day. I knew the first Mother’s Day, the first anniversary of our due date, the first anniversary of our miscarriage are all going to be the hardest. All I can do is hope that next year is a little bit easier. But I will celebrate every Mother’s Day for the rest of my life with my first baby not next to me.
So I figured I would end this blog post with some thoughts on how I wish I had handled Mother’s Day differently and what I wish those around me had known/done. All of this is a learning experience for everyone involved and maybe I can help with that.
What I wish you knew:
I want you to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Please don’t forget about me. I don’t want to be invisible. I carried my child, my child had a heartbeat, I had to go through “labor” to lose my baby. Please don’t forget that.
I want to be recognized and acknowledged for working so hard to become a Mother. I am putting myself, my body, my sanity, my marriage, my relationships, and my life through so much all because we desire to have a family so bad. If that’s not worthy of Mother’s Day praise, I don’t know what is.
I feel guilty when you tell me how I should be grieving as if I am doing it “wrong”. If I am sad on Mother’s Day (or any other day of the year) please don’t tell me I need to move on. Instead ask me what you can do to help me or just acknowledge that it’s okay I’m not okay.
What I know:
Not being on social media for the majority of the day was the healthiest thing for me...not because I don’t want to celebrate the beautiful family you have but because it hurts my heart and I don’t want to feel guilty or resentful for those feelings
I need to listen to my gut more. I knew going to Mother’s Day celebrations was not the right decision for me this year, but I did what everyone else thought I should do. My heart was telling me the best way to get through this day and to heal was to be with my husband and our fur babies and not trying to take care of everyone else. I didn’t listen and now I know I should have.
I found my heart breaking for all of those hurting on Mother’s Day. Feeling the amount of heartache I was feeling, how alone I felt, and I didn’t do anything to support other warriors who were probably feeling the same thing. I wish I had reached out to all of them to wish them a Happy Mother’s Day and will vow to do this for every other holiday moving forward.
**Disclaimer: This post may mention or refer to family members/friends. If you are of them and reading this, please believe me when I say that I do not resent you in any way. I am going to talk about my feelings (without holding back) in relation to your pregnancy, interactions with you during my fertility journey, etc. Please know this is how I feel about my situation and how those interactions made me feel. This is not to take away from your support or your pregnancy**
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