I haven’t really admitted this to many people but one of the main things that has sent me into a deep depression at times during our infertility journey is the change or loss of many friendships in my life. And before I dive into this post, let me be the first to say I know I am probably not the easiest person to be friends with right now. I feel sick a lot, I’m emotional all the time, I am not up for social outings, and (if you happen to be pregnant) it’s sometimes hard for me to act the way you probably want me to.
The number one thing I would want any family member or friend to do when trying to support their infertility warrior is to remember to keep being there for them. It seems very common in the infertility world for people to stop being friends with someone because they are going through something very difficult that they do not understand. As someone speaking from experience, the loss of friendships during this time is beyond heartbreaking. I have had more times than I want to admit where my extreme emotional breakdowns came from thinking about how the people I would have assumed would have been by my side during the hard times were nowhere to be found. I guess maybe I am partially to blame for that since I can’t give people what they want from me right now, but I also have to accept that I cannot control how other people decide to react to my infertility journey. I just miss my friends and wish they hadn’t chose to desert me (or at least that’s how it feels sometimes).
Before I took our first step on this journey, I was not given a handbook on how I am supposed to act and feel, so I am trying to figure this out one day at a time. But I also know, as my family or friend, you weren’t given a handbook either on how best to support me. So I thought I would talk about how I would like to be supported in hopes that others struggling to find ways to support their friends or family going through infertility can get some insight.
Do Some Research
I don’t think you need to become an expert on IVF and fertility treatments, but it helps to have some understanding of the process. Infertility warriors are going to start throwing out words and acronyms (and boy are there a lot of acronyms!) so having a general understanding will help your warrior know you are invested in their journey and want to support them as much as possible. A great resource for family and friends to check out is FertilityIQ. They provide quick online courses on all topics related to infertility so you can brush up on the step of the journey your warrior is on. For example, if your warrior comes to you and says they are going to try an IUI first - do you know what that is referring to? (Here’s the course on that in case you were wondering) Don’t feel like you have to fully dive into all topics of infertility, but even giving yourself a quick review on the different parts of the journey your warrior is facing will not only help you to better understand whats going on, but let her know you care enough to take the time to learn.
But just remember, by doing your own research to better understand the journey your warrior is on doesn’t make you a doctor. I would always cringe when someone would start a question with “Have you tried…”. Advice would come to me in the craziest forms.
Have you tried having sex regularly? (Yes….I have really been asked this!)
Have you tried standing on your head after sex?
Have you tried having sex doggy-style?
Have you tried orgasming during sex?
Have you tried eating the all-apricot diet?
Even if you read something during your research, or your cousin’s friend tried something that “worked”, you should never offer advice only support. All of us have something different going on in our bodies so something that works for one person may not for another. And let’s be real, asking if I am having sex to try and get pregnant is just DUMB!
Let Her Know You Are There For Her & Thinking Of Her
While I do have a lot of people in my life who have chosen to not be by my side, I am extremely blessed that there are those who have been beyond supportive. Many of those were people I would never have dreamed would be my biggest support systems if you had asked me before this journey. Their support came in very simple ways.
Sometimes it was a surprise flower delivery just to give me something pretty to look at
Sometimes it was a random text out of the blue with an encouraging message
Sometimes it was a text the morning of an appointment wishing me good luck
Sometimes it was a meal delivered because the last thing I want to do when I am sick is cook dinner
Sometimes it was a trip to Michaels or Hobby Lobby just to get me out of the house for a little bit
Sometimes it was a smoothie and much needed “girl time”
Sometimes it was the offer to pick up items from Costco or the grocery store because they were going anyways
Infertility warriors go through a lot (physically, mentally, emotionally and financially) and sometimes we don’t know what we are going to feel or go through when we wake up that day. Be there for your friend and let them feel their feelings without any judgement. Sometimes I may want to throw myself a pity party and other days I want to run and scream to vent my frustrations. We don’t need any elaborate ways of feeling supported, just being there is the most important thing. If you don’t know how best to support us, then ask. Even if we say there is nothing you can do, we truly appreciate the thought behind the offer. Your silence hurts us. Infertility warriors already feel so isolated and alone during this journey, so making sure they feel your support and don’t have to “mourn” losing your friendship during this journey is something I think everyone needs to be aware of. Trust me, feeling like people don’t want to support me because its too hard right now is a hard pill to swallow (and I’m taking like 15 pills a day!).
Think Before You Speak
It’s hard to know the right thing to say when someone is going through something you just can’t understand (and probably never will). But I think there is a level of common sense that the communities supporting infertility warriors need to remember to have. While we know you probably have the best of intentions, let’s break down some of the things you would probably think to say and why they are actually harmful to your friend.
“Just relax and it will happen” - This is one of those statements that actually puts a lot of guilt on an infertility warrior. Would you tell a cancer patient to “just relax” and they should be cured? For many of us, there is nothing we can do about our infertility other than keep trying fertility treatments. For many of us, we cannot get pregnant naturally. So by telling us to “just relax” you are making us feel as though we are doing something to prevent us from getting pregnant.
“Are you pregnant?” - Fertility treatments make us look pregnant (sick joke, right?). If your friend confides in you that she is going through treatment, never ask her if she is pregnant just because she looks like it. You may not know that she just went in for her egg retrieval surgery (when we are sometimes the most bloated) and they only got a few eggs and only 1 of those is mature and might fertilize. You don’t know that she just found out she lost the baby after years of trying. Let’s just make this a general rule in society - going through infertility or not, please don’t ask women if they are pregnant!
“I’m so glad I didn’t have to go through fertility treatments to have our kids” - Can I just assume all of you reading can understand why this is dumb? Okay good.
“Why don’t you just adopt?” - True, that is an option, but it’s an expensive one. And for me, I want a baby of my own that I grow inside of me and deliver. Adoption could be an option down the road for us, but it won’t be an easy decision to make. By telling me to just adopt you are diminishing everything we are doing with fertility treatments and making me feel like there is no hope with them. Please don’t take away my hope.
At the end of the day, your infertility warrior needs her family and friends more than ever. Yes, it may be hard to support us when we are going through this roller coaster but isn’t that what we are supposed to do for the ones we love?
**Disclaimer: This post may mention or refer to family members/friends. If you are of them and reading this, please believe me when I say that I do not resent you in any way. I am going to talk about my feelings (without holding back) in relation to your pregnancy, interactions with you during my fertility journey, etc. Please know this is how I feel about my situation and how those interactions made me feel. This is not to take away from your support or your pregnancy**
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